Home › Forums › Enchanting Business Blogging – Spring 2014 › Group B › Pnina – Module 4 › Reply To: Pnina – Module 4
Yes, you’re writing is changing. I like it.
I don’t think you need more sensory words.
A few minor comments:
They meet you at very specific places you’ve learned to avoid.
=> You can delete “very”.
Sometimes it seems like they’re following you.
=> In this sentence “it” doesn’t refer back to something specific and that’s when you want to try to rephrase. e.g: Sometimes his mood swings seem to be following you, waiting to strike at the worst possible moment.
They are more expensive, but worth it.
Would you want your child to inhale the questionable ingredients added to the impure oils?..
I thought not.
=> Your tone becomes a little lecturing here and you may want to soften it a little. E.g.: They are more expensive. But you don’t want your child to inhale questionable ingredients, do you? Or: They are a little more expensive, but you can be sure your child isn’t inhaling any questionable ingredients.
Good work!
Enchant readers. Woo customers. Win business.