That’s an excellent analysis of the opening paragraph from MindBodyGreen. I agree with you – the changes you suggest would make the post much stronger and they’re easy to implement, too.
And a good start to the opening paragraph for your own post, too! A few suggestions:
It starts in the morning.
=> Try to avoid a vague “it”. E.g.: You start early each morning.
You don’t usually complain- that’s the way it is. Sometimes, after the kids are tucked in, you have an hour to yourself. But then you have to get ready for tomorrow. And by the time you finally get to relax, you’re exhausted and fall asleep.
Even if you find time in the middle of the day, there’s always something to do. Always something to arrange, think about, or worry about.
=> It feels a little awkward to start with the morning, then move to the evening, and then to the middle of the day again. I’d try to keep it in chronological order. (also “usually” can probably be deleted)
It’s that guilt, eating at you.
=> The introduction of “guilt” is a little abrupt. As it’s central to your post, I’d introduce it a little stronger, perhaps a little earlier, too. E.g.:
Sometimes, in the middle of the day, you manage to steal a little time for yourself. To read your favorite magazine. To chat with a friend. Or admire the flowers in your garden. But when you do these things, you always feel guilty. Because you should organize that birthday party. You should call your son’s teacher for an appointment. You should…
Guilt is eating at you. Telling you that you have to be doing something every waking minute, or else… that endless list of chores will hunt you down.
Don’t you wish this guilt left you alone? [etc. as you’ve written]
* * *
I’m not sure whether I picked the right examples of things Sharon might do to snatch a little time for herself. But by picking some specific examples of things she might feel guilty about and a few more things that she feels she should be doing instead, the post comes alive a little more (we’ll talk about this more later in the course).
BTW – I loved how you used “ah”.
Enchant readers. Woo customers. Win business.