Home › Forums › Enchanting Business Blogging – Spring 2014 › Group B › Arif – Module 4 › Reply To: Arif – Module 4
Excellent work on polishing your post, Arif. I can see you’ve worked hard!
A few minor comments:
teachers/mentors
=> A slash doesn’t seem to facilitate reading. Try “or” or “and” instead.
=> I also feel that the first and second sentence are a little repetitive, so I’d consider shortening this. E.g.:
I’ve had fantastic teachers.
At school, Toastmaster, KPMG,… everywhere my teachers and mentors have been intelligent, sincere and dedicated. If they saw an opportunity, they would give their best and train me.
[“you” feels a little strange here as you’ve written in the first person so far].
Thanks to this new skill-set, I’m 500% more productive. These skills are really that awesome.
=> You’re trying to take away the doubt in your reader’s mind, but you could do this a little stronger: Thanks to this new skill-set, I’m 500% more productive. Yep, that’s true. These skills are really THAT awesome.
GTD Makes it the most delicious piece of lemon meringue cake you even tasted. It’s the ultimate swiss-army knife set of skills that will have you prepared no matter what situation you are in.
=> We’ll talk more about analogies and metaphors later in the course, but you have to be careful that you don’t mix visual imagery as you might confuse your reader. Can something be a piece of lemon meringue cake and a swiss-army knife set of skills? These two phrases will fight for attention in your reader’s mind risking that they don’t remember either of them. Better to focus on one.
But my point is this.
=> Can be deleted
My feeling when I read your post is that you’re passionate about this topic (which is great!), but you don’t seem to have a particular reader in mind – are you writing for a student? Then the mention of the corporate world, might not quite chime with him or her? And anyone who’s not a student, will feel you’re not writing for them as soon as they get to “If you are student.”
If you’re able to write for one specific person, your post will become even better.
Glad to see you’re back and making a lot of progress!
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