Home › Forums › Enchanting Business Blogging – Spring 2014 › Group A › Mohammed Ali – Module 8 › Reply To: Mohammed Ali – Module 8
Excellent work. A few minor comments:
This new state of awareness is a journey. It’s doesn’t come overnight.
=> As you start practicing you’ll notice the benefits instantly.
These two statements clash a little, potentially putting doubts in your reader’s mind. I know it’s possible to see benefits instantly and having to practice for a longer time, but it doesn’t follow each other logically, which reduces your inspirational power a little.
You’ll be less irritable. Less anxious.
=> You can increase the impact here by going for the “power of three”, e.g.: you’ll be less irritable. Less anxious. Less angry.
Begin this journey.
It’ll change your life.
Forever.
=> great ending. An alternative would be to end with a positive word rather than “forever”, e.g.:
Begin this journey.
It’ll change your life. Forever.
Be happy.
Enchant readers. Woo customers. Win business.