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Reply To: Jonas – Module 10

Home › Forums › Test Drive I › Group A › Jonas – Module 10 › Reply To: Jonas – Module 10

June 19, 2014 at 4:27 pm #1265
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Henneke
Keymaster

Love your day 2 descriptions. Very vivid.

Regarding day 3: Yep, adding specific numbers (possibly as quotes?) will immediately increase the credibility of your content.

A few minor comments:

(or I did… on your behalf)
=> be careful with remarks like this. I’m not sure about Dan, but to me it sounds redundant (I know I didn’t ask it) and it interrupts the flow. I’d say you don’t lose anything by deleting it.

I think it’s crucial to set the record straight.
=> Let’s set the record straight. [“I think” is almost always redundant]

smarmy used car salesman-like scamsters
=> a little difficult to understand immediately what’s meant. I’d delete “smarmy” and add a few more dashes (not sure whether it’s grammatically correct, but it helps readability): used-car-salesman-like scamsters. Alternatively, you could go for smarmy car salesmen.


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