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Reply To: Mohammed Ali – Module 11

Home › Forums › Enchanting Business Blogging – Spring 2014 › Group A › Mohammed Ali – Module 11 › Reply To: Mohammed Ali – Module 11

July 21, 2014 at 10:02 am #1390
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Henneke
Keymaster

Great! This is much better.

You can make the initial picture more vivid. For instance:

Midnight.

I had been in bed since 10pm.

But I was still tossing and turning.

I hadn’t eaten since 2pm, and my stomach was screaming for food.

[It’s a little unusual not to eat all afternoon and evening, so your reader is probably thinking why didn’t he eat? Adding a reason why you didn’t eat here will give your story more credibility.]

—

So I began to tread with slow careful steps towards the switch.
=> Be careful with adding more than one adjective before a noun. Try: So I began to tread with careful steps towards the switch. Or even: I began to tiptoe slowly to the switch.

With slow & steady steps, I made it!
=> I would consider removing this sentence as it feels a little repetitive.

—

Looking forward to your next story. 🙂


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