I’m so sorry to be slow in my reply. I sometimes forget to check the forums. I’m now subscribed to your thread, so next time, I’ll be quicker again. 🙂
Good story! And good to see you again 🙂
With stories, is it’s even more important than with other content to “keep moving”, so that the reader feels the story is developing. So you have to be extremely ruthless in your editing.
You can shorten your story a little:
Imagine you’re a graduating high school student. You want to go to college and become a paramedic. To save lives.
You’ve taken a long time to make your choice, but now you have a mission. You’re ready to apply.
You sit down at your computer and peck the ontariocolleges.ca web address into your browser. You know exactly what to do.
But something’s wrong when you hit the homepage.
A message reminds you today is February 1st. You know that. It’s the deadline for applying to college programs.
But you can’t find the login button.
It’s gone. Vanished.
Application is unavailable because too many people are trying to apply.
What can you do now?
Also, note that by mentioning the message of Feb 1 first, and the disappeared button later, you build up more tension, making the reader curious to find out what’s wrong with the website.
Great start to the module!
Enchant readers. Woo customers. Win business.