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Reply To: Jonas – Module 3

Home › Forums › Test Drive I › Group A › Jonas – Module 3 › Reply To: Jonas – Module 3

March 4, 2014 at 9:53 pm #321
Henneke
Keymaster

Excellent scores 🙂

If you’d like to you can shorten some of the sentences in the beginning – this will make it easier to pull readers into your story:

I’m not a big fan of labels.

But recently I’ve been playing with mine and assigned myself two — copywriter and content chef.

You might think I’m being cheeky. But the title of chef has a powerful context for me. The word is an anchor to a meaningful event that altered my work forever.

(I’ve taken out “personal” as it’s the same as “for me”)

You’ve got a couple of passive sentences:

I went out of the way to help other servers besides the one I was assigned to.

>> I don’t see this as an issue, but you could shorten the sentence if you like: I went out of the way to help other servers. Isn’t it obvious that it’s not just the one you’ve been assigned to?

The latter type should be ignored anyways.

>> Again, not a big issues, but you could change this into: You want to ignore the latter type anyways. or You and I want to ignore the latter type anyways.

These are just suggestions. It’s your voice and your decision what and how to write (of course!).


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