It feels like you’ve written almost two introductions here as you’re painting two scenes:
(a) In the first scene you sketch how someone worked hard and then looks at his analytics to see that he doesn’t get the sales he was expecting. In this scene the sales page is ready but somehow not working.
(b) In the second scene you’re sketching someone scratching his head because he can’t come up with a USP.
Having the two scenes is confusing the reader, so it’s best to choose one. Which one you choose depends on what your article is about. By choosing one scene you can also reduce the length of your introduction. An intro is usually 10 – 15% of a post. If you’re writing a post of 1,500 words people start itching to read some answers after 200 words or so.
I know cutting half the text is painful, because you’re probably cutting your favorite sentences. But you can keep the other part and use it for another post. 🙂
That hockey stick graph you were expecting from your analytics is a flatline.
Readers don’t know the context yet, so this is not easy to understand as a second sentence. I suggest moving it down and cutting the sentence in two. E.g.:
You’ve spent hours of valuable time writing your sales page. You’ve poured over copywriting books… You’ve scoured copywriting blogs into the wee hours of the night until your eyes bled.
Maybe you’ve even taken a copywriting course or two.
You were sure this
thing sales page was gonna crush it. Pulling up the sales page to look under the proverbial hood, you see everything’s there. You opened with that promise… painted that groovy looking picture of success… tied your product in… threw in oodles of proof and testimonials.
But when you look at your analytics, you see a flat line. Not the hockey stick you expected.
I really like how you’ve painted the scene here and your choide of words is fab.
Also, if you want to write about a Unique Human Perspective, you have to ask yourself whether you want to give this idea away in your opening paragraph or introduce it at a later stage – you can build up some anticipation by not giving away the answer to the USP problem straightaway.
Enchant readers. Woo customers. Win business.