Yep, that’s a great intro and it ticks almost all the boxes.
The thing that lets her down is her first sentence. Not only is it long (23 words!), but it also starts with the rather yucky “there”. Despite the word horse shit (which attracts attention as you say) the first sentence is probably the weakest sentence of the whole intro.
PS When you re-write your intro tomorrow, try to step into Dan’s shoes and read it as he’d read it. You’d probably find you want to simplify it.
Enchant readers. Woo customers. Win business.