I really liked personalizing the different scenarios of people (Jim, Steve, etc.). It made them seem more human and relatable, which is how we want to treat our applicants. It also made that part stand out more in the overall piece, so when it came time to propose solutions, the problems were still fresh in your mind.
It was definitely a lot lighter for reading and I found I remembered a lot more things out of it than the first version – hopefully readers will, too!
And I’ll certainly forgive your exclamation point. I removed at least three from my post 😉